My Cathedral of Ice

by Paul Hettinga

Like so many other mornings, this morning I woke, grabbed a hot cup of coffee and went to sit down in my favorite chair to read, reflect, pray a little and generally try to be available to meet God in my own contrived ways. This morning however, I was delighted with the scene shown below. So simple - yet for me profoundly beautiful.  I stood looking at it with my coffee cooling for at least 3 or 4 minutes, which for me is an eternity. Then I snapped this quick picture - sat down to start the process of ‘meeting’ God in my chair with my own “Ice Cathedral” just outside the window.

I sold my company and began retiring from full time work on Jan 1st of this year. I have hopes that I will use this time to ask God what’s next for me…who does he want me to be in the later years of my life? Should I just assume to continue to be who I have been all those working years - retirement simply being a different place to be the person I was before? Or is there a new - generally undiscovered me within, that God would love to reveal to me? I’ve jokingly asked “So, who am I going to be when I grow up? 

Well, guess what: this is tougher than I thought. While I’m only about 6 weeks into it, I can see that I’ve hardly begun the journey so far. Partly, that’s due to some complications with the sale of the company, partly due to some family matters that I’m attending to but mostly, it's due to ‘ME'. ‘ME' is still in the center of the process and as long as that’s the case, it’s going to be tough for me to stop being ME long enough to sense the presence of GOD. I read, I write, I reflect and yet it’s all ME doing this. I intuitively know that silence and being in his presence is probably more to the task. Yet, this creates a kind of uncomfortable insecurity deep within me. I’ve got to get up, think, write in my journal; i.e. take control - be decisive - do something! 

Is it possible to stop centering around ME, and not feel so insecure? I recognize that many of the thoughts and behaviors that I dislike in myself come from this place of insecurity so I usually run from it pretty quickly. But perhaps insecurity of this sort might be a good place to start from on this spiritual journey. Being insecure enough in my own strengths, ideas, feelings, in me, might just create the kind of space where I can sense and be enveloped in God’s quiet presence right in the middle of my day - right where I am. 

Kind of like sensing the beauty of an icicle that’s been hanging outside my window for a couple weeks now. Today was the first day I really ‘saw’ it - so maybe my journey has just begun.