I am writing this with tears in my eyes. Eleven days ago my son called to say that,
“Jana has killed herself.” For the second time in 15 years I stood with Andy at
a graveside grieving a beloved woman in our lives.
Jana grew up fast and couldn’t wait for the next milestone.
She had been 21 for a mere three months. She did a lot of moving as a kid and
made friends easily. She was kind and perceptive. She was fiercely independent.
She wrote that nothing could dissuade her for her last act in life and I
believe that.
Her aunt, Christine, dubbed her Jana Banana and she seemed
to like it. Each grandchild decorated a garden stepping stone and I remember
her saying, “I know exactly what mine will be.” She picked out all the yellow
from the kit and fashioned a banana in the concrete.
One day I drove her home from high school and she reported
to me, “I try to bring joy to every situation.” And she did until the last
couple of years when depression gripped her tightly. Her family (both sides) has
firm faith connections. Dad grew up Presbyterian and mom Baptist. Jana knew
closeness with God and as with all of us, some times it was more discernible
than others.
Our pastor conducted the service masterfully and our son,
the musician, sang a song he had written for his daughter; how he did that I do
not know.
Family has been extraordinary. Church family and friends
have been exemplary. Lots of us want to turn back time and shake her to direct
her attention to how many people loved her. I have the consolation that my last
time with her was one where I verbalized love (which she heard) and hope (which
she didn’t hear).
It hurts a lot, but poor Jana hurt so much more that she
felt death was the only way to make her pain quit. I guess that’s where I start looking for the
good news in this awful story. Jana is at peace.
At the graveside the pastor had us turn to each other and
say, “It’s not your fault.” While not good news per se, it’s important to know
it and believe it..
God is real and present.
Dear Tom, I can't imagine the pain her decision has caused you and her friends and family. It's truly not your fault, but that tiny doubt will probably be the hardest burden you can bear. I know that feeling. It hurts. Blessings and prayers for God's healing and the belief that Jana is truly at peace and that God reached down to fold her in His arms to tell her she is also forgiven and loved. Linda
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